Under a layer of me
is another and another.
Look I don’t make the rules.
Blame the stars for making
me oh so fucking me. Looking
into birth charts, that agree
I hide too many things,
I don’t even fucking know why.
Let’s be honest that is a lie.
There’s power in knowing so
I’m always running towards it.
There’s power in saying things
out loud and it still scares the shit
out of me.
Two hands deep in ocean loose sand,
struggle harder, I wonder about the lessons
of nature. Why we try to be
anything other than what we are.
Always trying to transcend and be human
and then not. Can we blame
anything for how we are built?
Something about falling.
Something about staring at trees
that know how to speak back.
I am always listening for rooted
meanings. Something about beginnings
gets me every time.
What’s there left to say to you, except
what’s been caught in my throat since
sophomore year of college, or
something like that.
I still wonder
are you capable of loving anyone
Awful and appealing at once.
It didn’t make sense
but now it does, by that I mean
it really doesn’t and that’s the core.
You never were a stop sign
just a dead end,
just that’s it,
just it’s exactly like
what it seems.
All I know is
when I watch apocalyptic shows
I suddenly am praying,
to no one actually,
that we make it each time.
I want the simplest things
with you. Suddenly it doesn’t
matter where we live or how
I just want us together
invisible and fucking
oblivious to the world ending.
My love is sunlight,
through a window in the morning,
you’ll miss it at first.
There are more metaphors here
so think carefully.
What I mean to say is you won’t
realize how warm I am till
you are bathed in me.
If there’s something I know
how to do right it’s
trying to love.
Hold yourself against me and
watch how I consume you.
Holy is just a word till it’s not.
You were just a person
till you were not.
Lover do you see the coincidence?
I’m waiting for you to come to bed.
Earlier you said you wanted my feelings
so I throw them right at you.
Want the truth,
sometimes it’s hard to give a shit
when you’re so tired. I’m so fucking
tired. I’m looking at the floors again.
I’m bending backwards and you
don’t know why I can’t just snap and
fit next to you. So we don’t see
eye to eye. Baby I love you
but don’t ask me to step in the ring
and not go for the heart.
The part that calls through a door
echos in floorboards
asking to be opened.
Traveling from foot to spine.
From chest to head.
Listen, the house of my body
has a room you won’t see.
I don’t visit much, unless it’s dark,
unless I’m looking at the floors again,
unless I admit I know how to kill beautiful things.
You’ll ask about the rope, the string, the thread.
The rope loops around and you laugh as if this house can’t move.
You’ll trip before you realize it.
I promise it will never hold you and
I’ll give you light and a knife.
But let’s not get too ahead,
here are the rules for now:
1. The house sinks and floats and you must press against the floorboards to tell.
2. The attic is off limits, even I can’t visit sometimes.
3. This house is a body, is a house, wants to be a home.
4. Some lights never go out, it’s better this way.
5. The heavy room is here to stay, I need you to know that. It’s always been this way.
Now come over lover, I want to be the
warmest thing you know.
You ask for more and I apologize.
I’m so vague. My head feels like air
and words that make my chest heavy.
I love that you don’t mind my little
sadness tucked away. Or my answer
when you want to know what I think about.
I smile and you don’t press.
Except when you do.
You are so clever. Do you know
what you do to me?
God I want to love you right.
I knew you’d be the one
so my chest ached.
Slipped past the fence.
Slip in me, I want you inside.
You should hear the silence
in my head it’s so
I know I’m happy and that’s when
words escape me. Slips
past me, I’m so fucking light.
So fucking full of air and warmth.
Best part of my day is
sighing into your mouth.
Best part of my day is feeling okay,
I’m going to die one day
but fuck it I’m human,
hope you’ll be by my side.
I read between the
lines of your body movements.
you is a string, pulling me
into the center.